Just...life.

I guess I haven't posted in awhile. I just haven't been motivated. To be honest, I haven't been motivated to do anything these last few weeks since starting school. All I want to do is watch movies and spend time with my friends. I haven't had too many assignments, so I've been doing alright so far. But I feel like my lazy habits are catching up with me. I've been sick this weekend, making me even lazier--not great considering I have a midterm next week and two projects due tomorrow. Also, in my fuzzy-headed-feverish state I forgot to take an online quiz yesterday. So that's a zero. Great way to start out the semester. I feel like that professor doesn't like me much already, so missing that quiz probably didn't help.

I've also been stressing about where to live next school year. I had to have this awkward talk with my roommate today, telling her I'm planning on living with one of her good friends from home next year instead of with her. She was really cool about it, actually. I still feel a little tension, but maybe that's just my imagination. I went apartment hunting yesterday though. We found a really great place--close enough to campus, big kitchen, decent living room, washer and dryer, covered parking. And it isn't old and gross (that was my biggest concern. Some of the buildings nearby were around when my parents went to school here. I've seen some pretty dark, nasty old apartments.)  We're hopefully signing a contract later this week.

Now that I'm past the awkward roommate situation, I can focus on how excited I am for next year! It will be great. New place, new people, no drama. At least that's my hope.

I went to this great concert on Thursday. With a cute boy. Not sure if it's going anywhere, I think I kind of missed my chance with that one...but we'll see.

I should try to get some sleep. I have class tomorrow from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. I'm not sure why I decided to make Mondays so much more difficult than they already are, but at least the rest of my week is fairly easy.

Goodnight!

Of Missed Opportunities

I had my suspicions. The way you looked at me sometimes. The things you said and did...like you just wanted to sweep me off my feet. I thought I was just imagining things. There was no way!

 I always felt this tension when I told her I was going to hang out with you...but I thought that was in my mind as well.

I think I could have easily fallen, but I didn't let myself. We like the same things...you make me laugh...you're smart...you're sensitive...I can be my awkward self around you. I didn't want to make things weird though. I thought I would just be disappointed, and I definitely didn't need more heartbreak in my life. I would tell myself to stop dreaming every time I caught myself hoping.

When I read what you wrote, for a small moment I had this fleeting hope that you were talking to me. But then I thought, "No. No, someone else of course. Don't be ridiculous." But now I wonder if I was right all along. If maybe you were afraid of making things weird too...and well, it is true it would have been slightly pointless at the time.

It might be too late now. I might have gotten this all wrong...I'm just going off of what others have told me...but if sometime in the future we ever get a chance...past Melissa is telling you to just go for it. 

Decisions, Decisions

I'm posting this because I think I will forget it otherwise, and I feel like telling someone but am afraid of boring my friends by rambling about my important life decisions.

I was thinking about my major today. Last semester I declared Pre-Photography. I had always thought I wasn't good enough to get into the program but then I thought...you know? How will I know if I don't try?

So here I am, three days into the new semester and my 2-Dimensional Design and Photography classes, feeling way in over my head. I mean, they're okay I guess. But in my 2-D Design class everyone has been drawing and doing artsy things for years and I'm just sitting there like "Uh...I take pretty pictures." And my Photography professor is a professional from L.A. and he was telling us about the business aspect of photography and what a hard field it is and how hard you have to work at it. I just felt like...it wasn't for me. I'm not an entrepreneur. I don't know what I want to do with photography, I just know that I love it and I'm sort of good at it and I want to major in something I love. Overall, I just feel out of place in both classes.

If I can, I will apply to the Visual Arts major in  March, emphasis in Photography. If I get in, great. I will take classes and apply for the Photography BFA program and I will be all set. But I realized today, I don't have a backup plan...what if I don't get in to the VA program? 

I panickedly started looking at available majors. These are my thoughts....the ideas I don't want to forget.

I could major in American Studies. I would have to take an Econ class--not my forte, but I could manage. 

Another option is Humanities, with an emphasis in History or maybe Media Arts. 

I could major in History maybe. 

Possibly Linguistics.

 Political Science would be cool. 

Maybe Sociology, even thought I swore I would never take another Statistics class.

Well, there you have it. My major. My list of possible alternatives for when it falls through. Just...don't ask me what I would do with any of those degrees.

The Head And The Heart

Josh McBride. One of the most heart-breakingly beautiful things I've ever heard...

My Five All-Time-Favorite Albums

You know those albums that are just...perfect? Every song is exceptional, each in a different way. You can't just listen to one or two of the more catchy tracks and be done. Those albums are meant to be listened to in their entirety. They are a work of art. They are...perfection.You love those albums and you know you'll never stop loving them.

Well. For me, these are "those albums."

1. For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver

My goodness, Justin Vernon. It's like he captured every emotion of the human experience and put them into nine tracks of musical ecstasy.

2. The Head And The Heart - The Head And The Heart

I just...love them. I have no words to describe how much I love them.

3. Begin To Hope - Regina Spektor

I'll admit it took me awhile to warm up to this album. Some of the songs are definitely not something you'd hear every day, but I've grown to love them and hear the beauty.

4. Megalithic Symphony - AWOLNATION

What I love about AWOLNATION is that they're like nothing I've ever heard before...and also like everything I've ever heard before. You know?

5. In Between Dreams- Jack Johnson

Relaxing, charming, and just all around lovely.

It will be okay, love.

I want to call you "sweetie." I want to hug you and tell you everything will be okay. I want to tell you that none of them matter because hey, I love you. I want to ask you what's wrong and kiss you and make all the bad go away. I want to say what I would have said if it were four months ago and you hadn't broken my heart.

I hope that's just a shadow of past feelings. I thought I was done, I really did. I thought I knew better than to ever go down that road again.

Bucket List

1. Go in a recording studio.
2. Visit Abbey Road.
3. Take a picture that reflects the world.
4. Make a movie.
5. Learn sign language.
6. Make a difference in someone's life.
7. Buy an old, used record.
8. Write a book.
9. Learn how to whistle.
10. Go to a show on Broadway.
11. Learn how to play poker.
12. Go crowd surfing.
14. Protest something.
15. Sing a solo for an audience.
16. See the Mona Lisa.
17. Visit New York City at Christmas time.
18. Go wake-boarding.
24. Order in a restaurant in a foreign language.
29. Have a creative couple Halloween costume.
35. Kiss someone at midnight on New Year's Eve.
36. Have someone win me a stuffed animal
37. Try to break a world record.
38. Donate blood.
40. Try vegetarianism.
42. Visit all fifty states.
43. Go to a drive-in movie theater.
61. Put a piece of gum on the gum wall in Seattle.
62. See the Alice in Wonderland statue in Central Park.
69. Go to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
71. See the Northern Lights.